The reading was about mothers and their children and some of the debates that have been raging over this relationship for the last half a century or so. There was a small comment in my book that talked about how for decades women have been warned against letting motherhood "define" them. I thought about it further because that's a phrase I've heard tossed around more than a few times in my adult life as I've been in contact with lots of young women talking about their futures and what they hope and dream. Many of them would talk about having children, but would often throw in a comment about being sure to keep up other interests so that they wouldn't "just" be mothers. They feared being labelled as just a mom or defining their identities too heavily based on motherhood. It's funny because no one ever seemed too concerned about being "defined" as a daughter or a sister or a teacher or a student or a soccer player. And rarely do I hear about men being warned before they have children, "Dude, make sure you don't allow yourself to be too defined by fatherhood. Remember, you're more than just a dad!" It's something pretty specific to motherhood.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unaware of the ideas behind these comments. Women don't want to be underestimated in other arenas, for one thing. "Yes, I'm a mom, but I'm still capable of this job or that skill or I'm still interesting and funny and smart." I get that. Moms have a stigma and lots of women are scared of being perceived as boring or incapable of much else besides diaper changing.
But, you know what? Every role we fill defines us at least a bit. I'm going to be different because I'm married. I'm going to be changed by my siblings and my friends. I'm going to be identified in part by the jobs I have or have had. And let's be honest, motherhood is defining. It's consuming like no other role we fill. I read a quote by Danielle Crittenden that said, "This is motherhood's greatest joy and darkest secret. Suddenly, you can't stop thinking about your child." Many women are fighting against, what I think, is an innate desire to nurture our children.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that our children are the most important people in our lives because I still believe Dwayne is my biggest joy, priority, and commitment. (It's just that he can dress and feed and bathe himself, so for a few years, he gets less intense attention!) =) Also, I'm not saying that we should be so consumed with our kids that we don't pursue those other interests and take breaks and what not. (I would never, never say that. In fact, if you can babysit my kids, call me any time. Any time.) But here's the bottom line from me today. These days, I spend most of my time being referred to as mommy. I am capable of lots of other things besides what I do in the physical tasks of parenting. I am interesting and funny and smart, and if you don't think so then who are you and why are you reading my blog? I am a mom- that's part of my definition. =) And here's why that's so great:
16 comments:
Hi Jen,
I appreciate your insight on where women find their identity. It's kind of random, but the other day we were watching "Everyone loves Raymond" and it was the episode where Raymond and Debra go away for the weekend to a B&B. Debra was worried because she was afraid that she had become a boring housewife. I think that's one of the major reasons why women try to "avoid" the solitary title of motherhood--because it involves the small, everyday tasks. The book "Capivating" talks about a woman's fear of losing her beauty that answers her "life question" (Am I lovely?).
So often we forget that motherhood is the wonderful privilege of influencing and challenging our children to become God-fearing individuals of great character.
Thanks again for the blog.
Love to hang out with you guys sometime. Come on out to Abby!
Wendy W. (Tim)
(sorry, that's me who deleted myself. i saw one two many spelling errors.)
its funny that instead of asking people who they are we ask them what they do, but then there can be this idea that mothers aren't allowed to let what they "do" define them. double standard.
certainly it is a reaction to the patriarchal mindset that does actually define women as mothers, period, but it is an over-reaction when it says that motherhood is not a good and high calling. you are a mom and you shouldn't feel guilty for that. you should be the best dang mom you can be.
of course, part of being a good mom is also modeling to your kids what it is to be a good wife, sister, daughter, friend, church-member (or elder!), citizen, T-ball player, etc ....
and how can you be a mom without those outlets? how some do it is beyond me. i have to regroup for a few minutes after an hour with the kids! good moms amaze me. being a mom (and a dad) is a HIGH calling, no matter what we say about what else a woman can and should be allowed to do.
jon
Great post Jen! I sometimes wonder if I should feel bad about not really having a desire to pursue another career. Especially when people ask me why I'm not flying. Yes it's true I'd love to be a working pilot, but also, I'd be completely happy being "just" a mom for the rest of my life. It's amazing how consumed we are by our children, and I believe that it's a God-given obsession. It makes me sad that our culture today can make women feel bad, or unfulfilled, for desiring motherhood. Mothers really should be celebrated more. But we already know that.
And even though I revel in my motherliness, I also am interesting, funny and smart. ;)
Hi Jen! Thanks so much for sharing your feelings about this...so interesting for me to read as someone who isn't even a mother yet! I have often wondered how I would balance all the things that make me "me" and where being a mom would fit in, or even if it would. But lately I've been realizing that as a mom, all the things that make me "me" are going to come through and influence the character and personality of my children. I think that's so cool.
I too was one of those women who were worried that motherhood "would steal my identity". Now, I honestly say; (pardon me) "To hell with it! I am a mother, that is what I do, and that is what I love!" Now I just love my kids too much to care. I can pursue those other interests when my kids are gone. Thanks for your rant! (You can delete my blog if you find the word 'hell' offensive. :)) Love you!
bec
P.S. I can babysit your kids. . .are you coming to Manitoba anytime soon? :)
bec
Bec said something important. That she "can pursue those other interests when the kids are gone." I think the problem isn't defining yourself as a mother. I think the problem is that many women forget that the "mothering" period only lasts for a short time. I figure I have only 8 years left at the most. And the last 3 or 4 of those I won't be needed very much at all. The tragedy is that if you succeed as a mother your kids quickly become independant, and simply don't need you anymore! If I am still thinking of myself as a mother with no other defining role, how am I going to feel? I want to contribute to society just like anyone. I do that now as a mother, but I need to fill up the rest of my life too.(there's still 25 years until retirement!) And I'm not talking necessarily about "jobs". There are many ways I can fulfill my purpose on earth without getting paid too (just like being a mother). I love women who are willing to drop everything to be moms, but after all if you decide to have children you must be prepared to give them the best (which is you). I have done that, and feel good about it, but boy does that time pass quickly!
P.S. Have you ever thought of how it affects your child to see you pursuing other interests, or serving in the community, even while they are young? I have found that my children find me more interesting and seem to respect me more. And it encourages them to actively pursue their own dreams, or to care for other people and their community.
i've been thinking a lot about your rant, jen. and i hear what you are saying but i think lorena has a point that i want to touch on as well.
i think there is a big difference between prioritizing and valuing motherhood and being defined by it. i think motherhood has taken a big hit lately and you are right to stand against that. being a mom is more important than bein CEO of Shell.
but you can't obsess about your kids. you can't cease to be who you are. if you do that you have less to offer your kids anyway.
I think of when my boys were infants. I pretty much dropped all of my interests, and when I was awake at 4 am rocking a crying baby I figured I'd never watch another movie, play a sport, or buy a CD I like again. I think God wants us to be willing to give it all up for our kids. That is what prioritization means. But I think it is a rare case where God actually asks you to give up everything. Now that my boys are 2 and 3 I actually have a lot of my interests back. They've been curtailed perhaps, but that's goood. I don't need to be an obsessive music listener or whatever. Especially not at the expense of the incredible opportunity to be a father. I may lament that I don't go the movies much anymore, but would I give up fatherhood to be able to watch as many movies as I used to? not a chance! Should I lose my interests and my personality and even my ambitions altogether? Not a chance!
I'll admit that it is way too easy to let moms do everything and so to let them make the brunt of the sacrifices. Fathers are guilty of forcing mothers to lose themselves in motherhood. But mothers are guilty of this too. What can you do? When a baby is an infant, or maybe a child is particulary challenging for a lot of year, you make sacrifices. And you better, because that is a HIGH calling and something you have taken responsibility for. But even then, others need to come around and help so that you can still be who you are.
Because, as Lorena says, you have more to offer as a Mom when you are who you are, and not a robot.
Forgive me for chiming in on a motherhood issue or if I sound controversial. I just hate to see us men doing this to you women and for my part I should be prepared to back it up and, at least in my own case, do a better job of helping my wife, and my kid's mom, be who she is. She is a wife and MOM and those can't be devalued, but she is other things too, and we'll all be the better for it of she keeps it that way. She'll be better for it too.
One good rant deserves another!
I feel like a big part of what I said in my post isn't being heard. Of course I want to pursue other interests and keep being who I am, aside from a mom! I'm not saying anything contrary to that. I know it's key to my own sanity and it's so important for my husband and kids to see and to benefit from. Also, it's part of my role in bringing glory to God by using my gifts in other areas. I don't get why that was confused from my rant. I thought I was still clear about that.
But, in regards to what you were saying, Jon, about how we should value and prioritize motherhood, but not necessarily let it define us- that's where I disagree, and that's what my post was all about. How can we not let it define us? I'm not saying it should be the ONLY thing that defines us, but it certainly will be a major part of who we are. SOOOOO many things make up our identity! Countless things. I'm a Jann Arden fan. That's part of my identity. It defines me, if you will, if only in a small way. I love pasta. I'm a Stampeders fan. I'm a sister-in-law. I co-lead a small group. I worked at a bible college. None of these things define me on their own, but they do, nonetheless make up who I am.
So, all I'm saying is, why the need to reject the fact that motherhood defines us? It's obviously going to be a huge factor in who we are. Yes, we should keep pursuing our other interests and yes, we're so much more than moms, but it is a really big part. Does that make sense?
i wasn't actually reallly trying to disagree with you. i hear what you are saying and agree. i just think that when ladies say they don't want motherhood to define them they mean DEFINE as in be all they are, which is actually exactly what you are saying. of course it defines you a great deal, but define in totality? no. but that's what women used to be told, and that's what i think those ladies are rejecting.
mind you, i think a lot of them are maybe rejecting motherhood altogether. for some that might be just the way they are wired and that's fine. for others it might be an over-reaction, and so they'll be missing something they were wired to look for.
Hi Jen
This is funny to me, but you have helped me define the word "define" as you were using it. I totally see where you are coming from and think you are seeing things from a wonderful perspective. Initially when I think of a woman "defining" herself as a mother, I too think of a woman who sees motherhood as "all they are" (as Jon said). Sad to say I have seen so many women do that and then end up lost, confused and depressed at some point.
As for me, I try not to define myself as anything at all. That way I am free to be someone completely different in the future, or even later today!
(I can be seriously goofy while trying to use my computer. I swear I already posted this but it's not there so I am typing it again -- hope you don't get it twice)
my comments seem sort of silly now that i am clearer on what you meant by define. sorry for my feminist rantings. motherhood gets some bad press these days and you are right to say wait a minute, this is important, it is good, it is a huge part of who i am, and i'm not going to apologize for it. the world can always use a few more good moms and you are one of them.
And my initial comments would seem silly based on what I think you meant by define. It's easy to see the word define two ways, now that I think about it, hence our confusion. Here's the one I was going for, from Webster's, "define: to explain or identify the nature or essential qualities of." Perhaps I was using it too loosely anyway. "Essential qualities" of Jen would certainly include "mother", but perhaps wouldn't include "pasta lover." =)
Jen, I just wanted to say I loved reading your rant and I completely relate! It made me want to jump up and shout AMEN (which is very unlike me!)
Tara Robertson
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